3 months 3 weeks

3 months a 3 weeks gone. And two weeks since her mother goes back to work. Life is more complicated now. And yet Lorelai doesn't take bottle milk although we have been trying for almost two months. Really frustrating. Moreover she misses her mother a lot  and cries  like no other business. So during the day she is quiet and slowly she realizes that there is no sign of mommy's voice. Later in the afternoon she cannot bear it anymore and bust with a cry...a cry that sound like you are missing someone. It's really miserable seeing her like that. We end up crying together. I really hate this part...it's really tormenting.

She's very much insecure now about being left alone even for a second. You have to be with her every second or else she will be crying like nut. It is just amazing how baby can control our life. Especially to those who can't afford to let them crying. I can't do that and that's why I become the slave of my child.

Well...I guess life has to move on. I pray and hope she will change after turning four month next week. Be willing to take the top-up and stop missing mommy as much as she did. I really hope she can be as playable like she's playing with mommy. I miss listening to her babyish laugh during the day as she laugh a lot during the night playing with mommy. I miss listening to her little chatterbox that cosntantly saying something I don't understand but yet very entertaining. The only thing I can hear now is the sound of her voice asking me not to leave her alone or her voice calling for me if I am not within her eye sight or her cries when I failed to fascinate her. I need my baby back...but still I love you sweetheart and adore you with all of my heart.

Finger Nails

So far so good. I am glad that I can be around every moment seeing my baby child growing and learning every new things and behavior she acquires. Babies are just amazing. They capture your heart every each moment you spent time with them. And that's what drowning my heart right now...my little sweetheart. Today was a long day out for her as we went out of the city. Well...we and managed and for most important she managed her moments well too except for the few things that she has to go through...when nature calls. And it is really important to go to a place where there are baby changing room made available where parents can have their babies for nappies change and breast feedings.

And a while ago I deliberately inflicted pain onto her as I tried to clip her nails. I have been struggling cutting her nails as they are really a pain in the neck for babies. She has scratches all over her face and even in the outer part of her ear. That's my most fear for now. And this evening I overdid it as the nail clipper went a little further a pinch her soft flesh in which I almost snapped it off from her little finger. Really hard to navigate the nail clipper as she moves so much. But luckily it was only a pinch..I did not cut it. Thank God. But she was crying with shock that caught me by surprise. I was devastated and feel so bad about myself. I panicked for a little while not knowing what to do as I watch her crying and screaming with tears dripping from the corner of her eyes. All I can do was crying along with her. I tried to comfort her but failed. Well...only mommy two jugs of milk can tame her from crying more. I hate those nails... And they are not getting shorter now after I failed to cut them earlier. Well...as father I will have to try again tomorrow...while she's sleeping. I got scolded for no reason... I deserved it though! Poor baby... Sorry my poor little thing...

Fathering Talks

I am fortunate to be able to compare notes with other fathers...friends of mine who are new in this area. we share our stories and talking father stuff which may differs from mothers. I do have my sisters and brothers too who are experience parents. They are very supportive giving parental ideas about babies. Although some may differ but I tend to look in between. Reading are good too but I am more of  a writing and converse person.

One of my friends has a one year old baby and another has a seven months. And there are several others with their second or third babies and their experience are more broader than mine...theirs are less nerve wrecking sort of thing. To me this is a totally brand new thing that every little thing freaks me off! A little scratch makes me jumpy and worry. Bad father I guess. And I don't know how people can harm or inflict wound to their baby (Baby P - RIP).

Soon to be 3 Months

Time flies! Really. We witnessed her first baby laugh about a week ago and that was a big surprise. And luckily we caught it on video. That's just the beginning of her lenghty chat cooing with us everytime we coo at her. And to my surprise though...she responds more cooing back if we speak her language...coo coo at her. And she seems to be reluctant responding when we speak the actual language...well...unless we said it cooingly. Tha's baby I guess. Great experience for new father like myself.

In less than two weeks time she will turn 3 months. Amazingly she turns to be a healthy baby and a wonderful child that does not demand too much from us especially her mother. She sleeps well at night and feed normally too. Her growth rate is an extra mile as most of our relatives say that she is chubby. But on the other hand...when you compare her with most babies out there she is rather small. But as long as she is healthy...I thanks God for that. That's all I am asking for.

Oh ya! We have to face another obstacle now. Bottle feeding seems to be difficult now. She really object to it and I am so worry when her mother is going back to work in a month time. I really do hope she will accept the top-up willingly next time. That's my only big time worry.

We've been busy taking her out in the park takking photos as the cold season is coming up. Gladly she's able to enjoy Fall during her first year and it was lovely out there. Thank God the weather is not that bad...especially here in Ireland. We still have sun peeking at us for a couple of hours daily and we took advantage of that beautiful sunny day...a little chilly though but she seems to be okay with it.

Bathing! She loves it! I really enjoy giving her bath as she really enjoy the warm water. She just sit on her little bath tub and enjoy every bit of it without making one noise. Afterward she is able to sleep well after the long warm bath. She gets more bath now up to five times a week. Well...that's my baby. Love her and enjoy every bit of her. I wouldn't regret a bit and will never want to lose a second seeing her growing...

1 Month to go...

This is the last month before Lorelai's mother goes back to work. It will be a sad day when the time comes. But as working parents we have no choice but to move on with life hoping for the best in everything we do. Knowing that her mother is going back to work soon, it seems that Lorelai is rejecting top-up during the past three weeks. We tried to feed her the top-up but was denied all the time with tears. We stopped after a short try. I dare not pursuing it as she keeps on pushing the bottle away...and even closing her mouth. And the funny thing was she had it before that. She has it all the time as we always give her top-up once or twice a day.

Well...today after we got back from our usual stroll...my wife decided to give it another try. And this time will be a longer try in which I dare not to do. So I let her do all the feeding and instead I did other things keeping myself busy. And there it goes. She started to deny the bottle. And her mother was still persistent. She refused it with a cry...a short one and then followed by a much longer one and louder cry. Jesus...I couldn't stand listening to her voice telling mommy that she didn't want it. And deep in my heart though I was asking my wife to stop it too as much as I wanted her to try longer.

After 11 weeks...I have never heard her crying as hard as that one this afternoon. She really mean her cries. With tears pouring and ran down her lovely cheeks. And there I went...as much as I hated it...grabbed our camera and started filming the cry. Very sad and touching as she was begging her mommy to stop giving her the top-up. It was really excruciating to her her crying like that. I stopped the camera and went back doing my things. My eyes were burning as tears started to emerge slowly dropping drop by drop. I didn't even dare to look at them as she was still refusing the bottle.

I can tell that her mother too was crying inside her hating herself for doing this and hating me for not ahving the nerve to feed her. I told her that I wouldn't as I cannot stand listening to her crying. I will give up easily...just like that. Few days earlier I even yelled at my wife to stop the feeding as she started to cry louder. We both hated it but we have to do it. She has to accept the fact that mommy's "nenen" will be missed soon. Well...not until she gets back from work in the evening. It will have to be the bottle milk before that.

Her cries begged for mommy to stop until she gave up the struggle. She took the top-up with her eyes closed and making those baby noise probably saying that she still hated it although she's taking it. Well...that was our duty. After the feeding her mother cried. Our little place was filled with cold air as the situation turn gloomy after that. I decided to have my late lunch as they were conforting each other. Lorelai rested on her mother's chest...her favorite spot and gradually fell asleep. I quickly consumed my lunch, did the clean-up and washed myself so that I can take over looking after her while her mother eats. As usual she rested on my chest and sleep soundly before we moved into the bedroom as her mother started making cake occupying her mind getting rid of the cries that lingered in her head.

11 Weeks

Well...my Lorelai is eleven weeks old this Friday. Time flies. Really! It was today at this time (11.30pm) that we decided to go ahead going to the hospital. But sadly we were asked to leave that early morning hours (3.45am) while my wife had to bear the pain throughout that morning until that afternoon around 12.15. We called the hospital and they let us make another visit. Well...she was admitted around 1.30pm and there we were waiting all day in a rather big room fill with hospital gadgets.

I sat by the bedside giving my full support (yeah right!) but yet not knowing what to do...totally helpless. It's not like carrying things or cleaning stuff. Nurses or midwife came in and out monitoring her and yet there was no sign of a full dilation. They need what...10 full centimeter. I don't know and it didn;t matter to me as I was so...arghhhhhh...lost for words. I have no idea how painful it was but i could see the pain in my wife's eyes while keeping herself calm breathing in and out in and out... It made my wanting to do the same thing too as if that it helped.

Still...I was there. Not words from her and not a word from me. What do you expect me to say you know. Tell a story while she was struggling with the pain? I guess the best way was to shut my mouth and not saying a thing. Tough as to not saying anything at all for hours while sitting just an inch from someone you know well is devastating. Totally excruciating. My mouth was getting dry and I had to consume more h2o all the time. And not to forget going to the loo too.

It was late in the afternoon and I felt no hunger or sense of tiredness but I knew I was torn into pieces. All I had was two slices of bread that morning and a cup of coffee. Yeah I had another coffee down at the hospital cafe and that was it. It's even worst for my wife as I did not see her consuming anything at all. Maybe some water. That's it. Poor thing. Why do we have to go through all those pains? I guess it must be a million times worth it. Hey! This is a planned pregnancy so I guess we have to expect what is coming...especially the labor part. There no turning back here my friend.

Hours after hours we waited. It was 7pm. Then 9pm then nurse came in and did what they have to do. I was just watching like a stupid man sitting there but yet doing nothing. What a dumb ass. How I wish I was a doctor at that moment. Or a nurse... And still it was not the time yet. Still few centimeters. The 10pm... and yet nothing happened. But more and more people with uniforms came in. As there was no introduction I have no clue who were the doctors or the midwives or the nurses. I don't care as I trust all of them. They were nice though. Speak nicely and giving all of their caring attitude towards us. And to make matter worst...pregnant women were came in passing through our delivery theater and moments later I heard screams and follow by baby cries. Out they go! But we were still there. Until later in the hour they do something that was so unbelievable... Six or seven of them all over the places doing their jobs and there I was sitting there clueless not doing anything at all...what a dork! It was like in the movie. I swear. Beeps were coming faster and faster as I saw the numbers on the computer screen higher and higher which read 167/178 something like that. That got to be high as the were really like struggling to get it done... And then the doctor said that if they cannot get her out in half an hour time...they have to do the c-section. That was scary! I was scared and freaking out after that. But I managed to keep myself calm. Inside me I said something which could be prayers I guess. Yeah...I did pray. Seriously I did.

Minutes after the 2300 hour they said she was coming. And soon after I saw this black thing coming out. Her head! Man! I'm telling you. I am witnessing a birth of my child. She was out up to the shoulder while my wife took a momentary rest. The it was the final push. And there we saw the most lovely thing...our little baby greeted us with a decent cry. Not that loud. Cry and pause! Cry and pause! Everybody laughed. And there was the hair. Wow she has lots of hair. That was the very first thing we said about our baby. She has a lot of hair. And there was congratulations conveyed to us. Her mother smiled. So did I. The placed her inside her mother's care while the they finished the job taking care of her mother. Bad news though...they have to bring her to the surgery room to further cleaning what was left inside. Our child was born at 2306 hour (although the picture was taken 2207 hour) on the 17th of July 2009 weight 3.46 kg.  Thank God for making all these happened.

Parents...

It’s always been the dream of any parents to have healthy children, nurturing and seeing them growing gracefully and healthily. Parenting is one kind of tasks every each one of us ponders upon. Through out the span of marriage life, parents are blessed to have children of their dreams. Plans are made for them. Parts and partial of the income are placed aside for savings hoping one day they will go to college and acquire good education. With full commitment and devotion, parents sacrifice for their children through the entire process hoping one day they can be successful in the near future respectively.

My Wedding (pt 2)

The photo shot was taken two months before the actual wedding day. I am glad it was done. Along the way we planned our wedding day by day. And don't forget we are not movie stars who spent zillions on wedding planner. But who needs a wedding planner anyway. A waste of money to be honest. Really...! The process was long and wearisome but really worth doing. I really enjoyed doing it our own and should I have another opportunity to do it I will surely do it own my own. It's your wedding and why should you let people plan a wedding for you. That's dreadful.

We were always on the look for invited guests. She had hers and as well as mine. We put them together and they were hundreds of them. I didn't know that we are going to have so many on our list until we bring them in together. Elimination time was sad. Far away guests will have to be eliminated form the lists. Sorry guys. We manage to arrange the sitting charts and who should be sitting together. Where should we put the loud and rowdy table - my drinking buddies. Argh! They really had great time. We all did.

Well...we trimmed it down to twenty-four tables with ten guests on each table. All together there were twenty eight something tables included tables for kids and the high tables. Then we were able to choose a venue, a venue that suit our budget. We found a little banquet hall that perfectly fitted our tables with reasonable price tag. I am happy with it. We chose our menu - Chinese style eight course menu. Who's going to eat all the food. I don't and as a matter of fact I really didn't get to eat enough that evening. We get to try our menu and should we dislike the taste of it we can always make some suggestion. Then venue and menu were all done deal...

Oh well...beers my friend. How much is not enough! Enough is nothing to worry about as I was so worry we might be out of drinks before the end of the evening. I chose to get my own beers, liquors and wine from outside instead of letting them charging me a hefty amount. I think we had enough beers, liquors and wines for the evening. not everyone drinks and half were female and few tables were under age. Set! Next was the invitation cards. My girlfriend designed the cards and I was assigned to print them. Done! Informed our invited friends and all were done. I did mine and she did hers. We informed the priest on the date and everything was set for the big day. All other things I leave it up to her to manage. I don't dare to interfere unless she asked me for a favor. This would be the end of my bachelorhood and the beginning of being a husband.

Vaccination Day for Lorelai

Today she turns two months and it time for vaccination. This morning we took her for a vaccination. She was in a good mood all morning. Very cheerful making all the noises trying to talk to us about her dream I guess. Not a clue of what she said but I was amused and amazed by how well she responds after two months. 

I happened to be one of the luckiest father on earth who has the opportunity to be with his child witnessing her birth, be the first to hear her cry and witness the whole process of child birth. Really an experience of a lifetime especially when it is your first baby. I am fortunate enough to be able to be with her most of the time nourishing her, playing with her when she's awake and putting her to bed when she's sleeping. I enjoy having her sleeping flat on my chest for hours. She loves it too as she will be awake if we try to place her on her crib. Put her back on my chest she falls asleep again...like a baby.

I am blessed by the fact that for the past two months I have been learning more than I expected about bringing up a child. Changed nappy. It was awful for the first time but now it is just another nappy change. Before it was rather disgusting to witness a pile of poo after eating or before meal. Now I can jump from my meal table and change her right away. Feeding and burping her. Bathing her is the most entertaining part as she really enjoy sitting enjoying her warm bath. And from all these I am proud to be father and I do sincerely hope to be a wonderful father.

Today was really awful. She cried really hard when the doctor gave her the jab. One on each side of her thigh. I can hear the pain she endured making me so helpless. And taking her into my arms after the jabs trying to give her comfort made me feel even much sorrier for myself. She cried with actual tears run down her chubby cheek. She looked at me crying for help but daddy was helpless without being able to put away the pain. All daddy could do was to tame her and hold her closely giving her the indication that daddy will always be there for her.

Today I began to realize that I am vulnerable when comes to my little child. We were told that she will be cranky and moody after the vaccination. Well...she tried to proof the doctor wrong giving it her best winning over the pain. But she's just a little child to do so as the vaccine takes over. She was cranky and moody. She slept and woke up with a sudden cry. Rather tormenting but we managed it well. She slept all afternoon and woke up for "nenen" (milk) only and went straight to bed soon after. Cried whenever she woke up. I was so sad watching her crying and I cried too. Silly as my wife said to me. But I couldn't hold on to my teary eyes. I am weak...now I know how a father feels about his little child. It's just sickeningly helpless to see your child in pain. Her temperature is rising. I'm nervous. Slight fever I guess, an inflicted pain that help to prevent future sickness has cause her minor fever. She's 38 point something and we gave her some medication in which she reluctantly swallowed. I am hoping she'd be okay tomorrow and be able to sleep well tonight. However, she's making playing noises talking to mommy as daddy is writing this journal. Really hope she will be back to normal tomorrow. God bless...and I am praying for a better tomorrow and healthier Lorelai.

My Wedding

We came back from the the US May 21st 2005. I think we must have talked about it during our time in the States. I must have forgotten. We chose Sept 3rd to be our wedding day. Yep we have three a little over three months planning for the big day...particularly for her.

Wow...it was more than what I expected. I seriously thought it would be just the dinner and the church ceremony. That's it! But there's something more. Photo taking! Dress for her! Well...my attire too. Bride's maid! And my best man. Marriage course as we are married in a Catholic Church. One whole day course. Imagine listening to a Catholic priest who've never been married and supposedly being not involved lecturing us on marriage and other related stuff...you know what I mean. Yeah some heavy stuff! I can't believe I heard it from a priest. Well...it has to be done though.


Our witnesses from both sides. The master of ceremony. Oh...the menus for the dinner. Menu tasting! Flowers! Our wedding music and songs! it takes forever to select several good songs... and nothing brokenhearted songs yeah! It has to be something forever. And love songs. Arghhhhh....Not to forget that we have to burn cd's for all the guests...maybe hundreds of them. 

What else? Tables! How many tables do we intend to have. This means how many people are we inviting. And how many would be hers and how many would be mine. Hey guys! We have a budget here! Hello! It's not an unlimited budget wedding. And furthermore we have drained our bank account from the trip we just had. Then the sitting arrangements. Invitation cards! Geez...oh dear...the designs. Who's going to all that? Luckily my future wife is good in it... Oh ya! the church ceremony program ( am I using the right term here?) Whatever!


Oh! Not to forget people. The biggest of them all! Beers! Liquors! Wine! And the biggest of all the Wedding Cake...i didn't even know who did order it. She did it as I was totally busy with the beers, the liquors and the wine. But first we have to have the wedding course done before we are able to register and book our wedding day with the church. It was done! Fun though. Meeting many potentials wives and husbands. Old and young! Beautiful and handsome. Tall and shorts. We all get a fast glance at each other partners...men and women. Funny eh!

Second comes with choosing the dress or gown. Choosing dress mean choosing the photo studio as they come hand in hand. That's her thing. Nothing to do with me but still she gets to ask me for opinion. I hate telling them that I don't like it as she will take hours and hours choosing from hundreds of gowns. Well i get to see her putting it on the dress...but not before going to the church...That's done too!

And next is the photo taking. It took one whole day...oh no...and the next morning too. Tiring seeing here putting on so many dress. And me too. Why not. I had several. The studio takes were okay. not that bad as we were inside. But the most excruciating part was the outdoor takes. We chose ( better to say "we") the beach side to be our outdoor photo venue. So we book a room at one of the resorts and there we go...like shooting a movie holding and carrying each other. Gosh my back was aching really bad. Oh...infront of so many people at the beachside. Quiet embarassing but I managed it well...that was just the beginning guys...
Cont...

Living my Life

Life is the so complex that makes living a life hard enough. For me I guess. However, I never regret a thing about me and anything that I have done through those donkey years. Like most of you guys I do dearly love my life and enjoy every bit of it until this very second. And I do sincerely hope you enjoy yours and take it lightly and positively as everything happens for a reason.

Life is so beautiful that you must not waste a second spending time with your love ones or, in some cases for those who are far away from your parents, brothers and sisters and friends, try to keep in touch with them as much as you possibly can. Don't wait until it is too late as life is given to us only once.

When life is tough look ahead instead of looking back. Look around you and try to cherish what you have. Success is not for others to judge as you cannot compare yours as apple to apple with others. You never know they may have bigger and deeper problem than yours although they are driving an expensive car and living in a bigger house. You can dream hoping to be more successful thus you must not forget where were you beforehand. 

I am a simple man trying to live a simple life. I have small house and a little place to live but I have a home. Now that I have a family with my little baby making my life a complete one. I have lived my life gracefully enjoying every bit of it and will continue on living it with respect in the hope that things should be at it's very best ahead. I rest that on God's hands guiding my life throughout the upcoming years.

My Ex-girlfriend

I met my ex-girlfriend almost a decade ago. A long time eh! That was a while ago. I know you are asking why am I bringing this up. I know...! But not her or her or emmmmmmmmmm....I am referring to my wife. She has to be my girlfriend then ex-girlfriend before becoming my wife right? technically it appears to be that way.

She is my wife. Well...her girlfriend status has to be forgone. The privilege of being girlfriend has to be relinquished. Being a girlfriend is so much different from being a wife. Don't get me wrong ladies. It's just the way thing goes. They all went down naturally like a flame out of fuel... everything. Please don't hate me for this...



Privilege of being girlfriend is so much different from being a wife. There are the pros and cons. You ladies know better as I don't have to elaborate further.


Yep! it was five years later before we decided to bring our relationship into the next level. It is not going tho be easy but a man has to do what has to be done...;). Yeah right! 

Unlike those in the movie we saw men on their knees proposing to their girlfriends and mine was nothing like that. not even close. Not even a dinner. Romantica eh! I know you girls hate me for that. Never thought of it to be honest with you. Actually I am a romantic type who's affectionate by movies or TV shows. But I guess it was not the real me...

My girlfriend has been moving into my place earlier and that was when I knew there will be a no point of return. Not that I don't want it! But this relationship has to go somewhere and definitely not in the drain. Well...that's how it begins. And guys...do not expect your wife to be acting like a girlfriend as she has been officially your wife. And if she does behave like a girlfriend...my friend...you are in trouble...literally I guess. I'm just sharing here...I hope my journey can relate to yours...positively ;). Cheers ya'll...

Around the US in 21 Days

Well...the idea started mounting when I kept bringing up my experiences in the States. And with the TV shows and so forth she get all the urge to travel. When a travel fare was held early 2005 we decided to see what was the deal. Much cheaper than the regular fare but rather a hefty amount to pay. Hey! what the heck. 


In April 21st we took a flight from Kuching to Kuala Lumpur and then connected to Los Angeles. We arrived after a long hours across the pacific where I get to smell LA...the United States, Land of the Free and the Braves and for most importantly, my old home for ten years. How I miss it now.

We rented a car for three weeks. Stayed one night in LA before heading the highway starting our journey down south. One night in San Diego we slowly headed down to El Paso and then Houston where we spent three nights at my sister's place. That was a memorable three days which we all dearly enjoyed so much. Well...we managed to eat at Yao Ming's restaurant though...pretty good. And gosh that guy is tall...I wonder how...you now what I mean ;)...


Sadly we have to go ahead with our plan and headed east to New Orleans. One third of the journey is gone and I am so glad to be able to make it there with my girlfriend sitting next to me most of the time. We went to Atlanta, my old home, where I spent a decade of my adult life. We later drove up north spending the night meeting George Bush Jr. ( I wish) and later to New York.

To cut the story short we drove across the country through Missouri, Colorado and Nevada where we spent the nights along the way. We spent three nights in Las Vegas and the last three night in Los Angeles before, reluctantly, heading back on a jet plane to Kuala Lumpur where we have to face the consequences...a living a real life.



Well...I did not get to meet George Bush but managed to see my old town...Sadly I did not meet my friends and hoping one day I will. Really great to have that trip and hope to have another one in the near future...and of course with our little one. This time we will not miss Six Flags or the Disney World...just for her. Cheers my friends. God Bless...

Does Age Really Matter?

I have always been late into something. I entered college in my mid-twenties and getting married after forty Christmases. Very late for an Asian man. I thought I get settled down before turning into the big four but I was two months late.

Late is a matter of the numbers we have in mind that ridicules our mood which urges us to get it over as early as we possibly can. Most of my friends went through this stage long time before me especially female friends. Some of them have kids who are in their teens which means that they have been married in their early twenties. Fine with me. Some friends did settled down in their thirties in which I believed is the perfect time to tie a knot. For as far as today is concern I don't have any friend who are over forty and not married. However, I do have few friends in their late thirties who are single...and all are in the States.

Age is just a state of mind. It's our commitment that really counts. Our devotions of being a husband and later being a father. Timing happens for a reason I guess. Friends tell me that I would be a more dedicated husband and a father because of my timing...not age. I guess everyone has an unspoken reason behind all things and occurrences. And whatever decision we have chosen it was meant to be that way. Nothing matters in life. It's you and me that make it matters.

I look forward for tomorrow and the future as everyday is just the beginning for me. I enjoy looking back recollecting the past because I am happy not when I am sad. The past is the foundation of my tomorrow and the path to my future where else the future is the outcome of my past and today... 

This simply mean there's nothing much we can do to change the past but there's many reasons to live for a better future. The decision is yours. It got to be simple and precise. Live life the fullest as we are only given one life to fulfill and cherish. that's the reason why I love mind most no matter what others think of it...

My life is simply the best...  

Am I Ready????????

Within that few days while waiting for them to be discharged I begin to realize that this is the time I've been waiting for. Thus that day changes my life dramatically. The lack of sleep mounted by anxiety, curiosity, excitement, worries and all sort of feelings start to go of slowly. I have created a human being! Wow...! I know everyone does it. No big deal right? It was a huge one for me, for my wife and her family as our child is the first grandchild in her family.

I chat with a friend, an old college who just recently got married who is way across the Atlantic, about the whole idea of having a baby in which I shared with him my experience and how it affects my life from every aspect. As when I asked him when is his turn...he told me that he is not ready for it. Well...neither am I. But if I waited and keep on waiting until I am fully ready I will never be ready to be a father. And to be honest...I don't think I was ready to be a husband when we decided to tie the knot. But my friend...nothing is a one hundred percent ready. If you are married...well...I suggest that having baby is a package deal that comes along with your marriage.

Yes I was scared and afraid of not being able to handle the enormous load of responsibility of being a father. But if someone else can do it...why can't I? I am not less than a human being than the others. I may be poorer but I am rich as human being. I believe I am a compassionate man who is willing to pour his kindness, love and commitment to a child and her mother. I know that I can be there for there within the best of my ability.

AND YES! I AM READY AS A MAN AND HUSBAND TO BECOME A FATHER.
God Bless... 

My Early Years (1965-1981)

I was born on the sixth day of July in the year nineteen sixty five in a little village in a remote village of Borneo. I was lucky enough to have been born in a missionary clinic under the care of retired western nurses and doctors. Thanks to them for giving us the service we really need who genuinely taking care of the well-being of the village folks at that time.As my father worked closely with the missionaries I was given a special attention by the nurses and doctors. 

As a matter of fact I was given a name after one of the nurses' relative - could have be her father if not her husband. During that time the head of the missionary was T.J. Harris who was originally from the United States who I managed to track while in studying in the States back in the early 90's.

I went was admitted to Methodist Primary School Nanga Mujong which is just a stone throw away from my house. This make it so convenient to go to school but I'll have to have a solid reason for missing classes. 

I was in Primary One in 1971 which I believed my father admitted me a year early compared to the rest of the students in my classes. But age did not really matter during that time as anyone who had the desire to attend classes will be admitted. Some of the boys and girls in our classes were up to five or seven years older than me. 

My primary school was the best in the region producing numerous high ranking and respect people. However, after it was no longer administered by the missionary or by the church things change completely. I left in 1977 attending secondary school at a nearby town. Soon later my father enrolled me to a Catholic School which is believed to be one of the finest in the State in which I attended until 1981.

 

 

My Baby Girl & I

She amuses everyone in that room. The very first thing everyone notices is her hair. She has lots of hair for a new born. Perfectly healthy. Darker skin like mine. Eyes like her mother's. Lips and nose like daddy's. But well, bottom line is the healthy baby is ours.

She cries a bit. Looks lost though. From in there to this world? Of course she cries. Just amazing!

The nurses quickly wiped her a bit and she is taken to her mother. They placed her on her mother's chest, chest down, skin to skin. Nurse said the she still needs to hear her mother's heartbeats in order to tame her cries.

She cries a little with the sound and the like of calling for mommy or daddy. As she is our first child we are both so very touched. I can't help myself but to shed tears listening to her helpless soft little cry. But the moment she is placed on her mother chest her cries ceased... Amazing!

After a quick talk between the doctor and the nurse, our nurse came to me saying that her mother needs a minor cleanup in the inside. Get a paper for me to sign. Done.

Quickly and unfortunately she has to be removed her from the mother as she has to undergo further surgery due to a minor complication that she has after the delivery. Just a minor. I was told not to worry. Ya right! Thanks doc for the words of confidence. Of course I am not alright. I am terrified! I have no one but me, myself and I!

Then our little sweetheart is brought over to me for comfort. She is placed inside my sweater in order to maintain that motherly contact or whatever it is they called it. But she seemed to like it. She covered with the womb blood though. 


We were left alone in the delivery room while her mother is pushed away to the surgery room at the other floor. That was the moment I felt so lost and helpless. My little sweetheart starts to ask for more as she cries a little...intermittenly. Oh dear God...please help me. 

Seriously I was clueless although fearless. All of the efforts and times I spent in the gym meant nothing at all. Meaningless muscles!

Then a nurse came in for a rescue, I thought but not, instead telling us that we shouldn't be staying in that room as they expect another delivery to be held there soon after. 

Wow...the delivery process is just a non-stop thing as I noticed that they were constantly delivering babies in the other rooms. Going-to-be-mothers come in and out but yet we are still there since this afternoon. It was almost midnight though. Tired and helpless!

Well...we are ushered to our ward and there I was with a little human being under my care. Great! That was the most challenging moment as I tried helplessly comforting her. Without a doubt she cried more and more every each minute. I guessed she must be hungry. I know that... Every each time the door opens I prayed and hoped it would be her mother but an hour gone she's not back yet... Now I had double worries to bear.

Another hour went by there is no clue of her mother. I was getting more agitated and worry. My butt is tied to a little space where I have to maintain as little noise as possible. 

Past midnight. Mothers and babies were sleeping. We are just separated by thin sheet of cloth. How I wished I can afford a single room ward for us at that very moment. But my little baby does not know anything about keeping it low. She kept crying, more and more, and louder and louder, as i tried to console her to my very best but all pointless. 

But how about me? Who is there to console me? Remember? I am in a foreign land all alone. 

Well, I had to deal with it alone. Her cries was so helpless and sad. Our eyes met. Her tears pouring down her peachy cheeks. All I could do is to kiss away those tears but not the cries. 

Hours past! No sign of my wife and her mother. I needed my wife while she's looking for her mother. I was helpless, terrified and sad. I'm crying deep inside screaming seeking for help. Please baby...please. I sang to her softly, and did whatever it is to make her settledown a little but all pointless. I was drowning deep inside. Until I couldn't help myself but to cry too. Tears ran down my cheeks as hers ran down hers. We both cried but mine is without a sound.


About dawn. Five maybe. Hours of no sleep and full of worries, joys seemed to subside. Past 24hours I have been up. I may not have tummy pain but deep inside me I am numb!

Until about six that morning a bed is pushed in our ward. I quickly looked at it and there's her mother lying flat on it. Sense of relieve! As I dearly thought that she can give me a hand. Mother's magic. Mother's touch. But not! The midwives are sending in a helpless mother under my watch. She is still in the state of sleepiness after the surgery and required some rest. 

Oh no! I need some sleep too... and there's a new born baby in my arms since eleven zero six last night who is crying and hungry. Oh dear God.

Not until around ten that morning her mother woke up. She looked a little pale but rested well I pressumed. She went through enough. I couldnt imagine the agony and pain she went through. But I guess God plays a better role in that field. That's the beauty of being mothers. 

My little girl got what she had been crying for, milk! She went in hard. She was hungry. Cant blame her for that.Our little angel finally gets to be in her mother care. She is breastfed as she slowly stop crying from then on. I went home a straighten things a little getting stuff that are required. Well...freshen-up too. How about a sleep? Not at all... Not yet. It was like 10am and I couldn't close my eyes at all.

Packed some stuff and went back to the hospital. Ours was a special case as they were still under Doctor's care for a couple of days.

Our little angel is living a normal baby life. We were filled with joys and excitements. Thing couldn't be much better than that for me.
Well...now that I am officially a father I look forward to care and nurture her and to see her growing up.

A Child is Born

My baby born at 2306 hours on the seventeenth day of July two thousand nine. Weighted 3.46kg she considered to be an average size baby comparatively to western babies. However, for Asian baby girl she is considered to be a reasonably big baby. Well, for most importantly she is well and fine. And thanks to the doctor, nurses, midwives and staff of Rotunda Hospital for assisting us giving birth to our baby girl. They have been keeping eye on my wife every second from the moment she was admitted at noon that day. And thanks dear God for guiding them through the delivery process. Thanks to our dear Lord for protecting my wife from any complications and brought our little one into this world which gives the both of us a fresh new approach in our marriage building a family we long to have from the day we exchanged rings.


This day was the most memorable day of my life as I witness every second of the delivery process. It was a rough patch but I would and don't mind going through it again. The birth of our child turn our life looking at it in a different  approach... positively and wholeheartedly.  

Remembering Nine Eleven

911 is a line of emergency. Be it your cat get trapped on top of a tree or your puppy inside a drain or an intruder get stuck inside your chimney as long as it involves helps and urgency. 911 is known to be a life saver line until that very day happened. Since then 911 is a traumatic number for most who care about human lives where thousands of unaccountable innocent human lives were put in flame, smoke and debris by inhuman cowardly act of the so call terrorist.

I was in the middle of watching a South East Asia Game Final soccer match between Malaysia and Vietnam in Bukit Jalil Stadium where roars of supporters were heard from every angle of the stadium. It was a great display of soccer game where I really get to enjoy it very much until a friend called me about what he witnessed in the CNN news that night (Malaysia Time). I was terrified and full of disbelief telling him it could be a new movie clip. But he insisted that it was real.

I got off my seat and head for the train station making my way home with my heart pounding nervously not knowing what actually happened. I called my sister who was at home watching TV on something else not knowing what is on the news. She was frighten and shocked too.

Well...there it was. I saw the plane went for the two towers as well as seeing the both of them went down. What a horrifying moment. What appeared infront of the TV screen will never fade from my memory as long as I live.

To me that's an act of war...a war is being waged in a civilized world where the lives of innocent were being targeted but some disgruntle barbarians who thought and believed they are fighting for a cause. But on the other hand the enemies were not known by the face nor by their origin or nationality. Someone has to be blamed and who claimed responsible or have some to do with it will face similar consequences - sooner or later. And that's the biginning of the new world order after the fall of the Berlin Wall.

The Americans and it's allies wasted no time but to wage a search looking for hunting for those believed to be responsible for attacking a civilized world. Since that nine eleven a war has been waged against responsible group who are labeled as terrorisms that acted cowardly against innocent human lives. Security level mounted every where. Thus some lives of the brave ones have to be sacrified for the security of this world from those who act as terrorism attacking targeting civilian places.

Thus tributes and honors should be awarded to those soldiers who risk their lives saving the world making it a better and safer place to live. I sincerely do hope the civilized world do not retract their position and policy dealing with terrorism and continue on hunting for those who are hiding their faces in masks killing innocent lives indiscrimately. May God Bless Us All...

My Story Begins...(Part 1)

It was 17 July 2009 my first baby was born. Nine months in the waiting with so many things creeping in my mind. Since Christmas of 2008 the news that my wife is conceived totally changed my life as a husband and as well as being a normal person. I am going to be a father. That's the very first thought that came to my mind.

We have been trying for the past many years since our marriage but disappointments always came our way every end or beginning of the month. Thus we went through a stage whereby we decided to go for a minor check-up on how things like with our reproductive related matters. And that was two year later. Well...I guess that's how life is being a husband and a willing father. But before I go on with this let me tell you about my life journey...

I am originally from Malaysia. Born and raised in a little village in the interior jungle of Borneo, I am the the second son and the forth in a family of seven. Born and raised in a typical rural family we strongly believed in strong family ties emphasize great in our faith and belief as Christians.

My father is one of the village folks who are responsible for the birth of Christianity in our little community where he chose to volunteer helping the missionary to set up a church, school, clinic and an agricultural center. Well...for the village folks the existence of the missionary bringing new ideas and belief was an act of invading their culture and traditional belief. That was then...things are different nowadays though.

We are not talking about life in the 1800s here. We are just peeping back less than a century back...around the 40's or 50's. I know what you are thinking...yeah... we were new to embrace Christianity and rather late to adopt newer way of life like any other parts of the world. Our land were then still under the rule of the White Rajah...the Brooke's family.

I belong to a tribal ethnic race called the Iban. The Iban are said to have been migrated from Kalimantan (Indonesian state of Borneo) crossing over the border into what is now called Sarawak. But to be honest though...the Iban people never migrate from any parts of Borneo to the other as I strongly believed that the Iban are the native of Borneo and for that reason Borneo belongs to the Iban. This clearly states that there is no transmigration taken place as their movements took place before any political maps were being gazetted. There was only one island and one land before and that is the island of what being called Borneo. That's nomadic practices.